Gone Treasure Hunting

Looking For Mr. Goodbook

If laptops could speed-date, this is the one that would be going home with all the phone numbers at the end of the night.

“So, uh, hi. I’ve never done this before. Kinda weird. Ninety seconds to get to know someone, it’s pretty crazy-”

Well, I have done this before, and you just wasted twelve of those seconds, so let’s cut to the chase. Hi. I’m the HP 17.3” Blu-ray Notebook.

“Uh, hi, sorry. I’m Charles. I work in medical billing. In my free time, I collect cigarette tax stamps. I’m up to 47 states plus Guam. I’m also the proud papa of six – no, sorry, five cats. I’m sorry, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry tonight. My poor tabby Arsenio died a few months ago, and I guess I’m still not over it. I’m OK. I’ll be OK. So, uh, how about you?”

Listen, Charles, you seem like a nice guy, or at least harmless enough that I don’t specifically want to hurt your feelings. But with my specs, I’m really looking for a higher class of person right now.

“Oh. I see.”

It’s just, you know, my 6GB DDR3 memory and 500GB hard drive put me in an elite group of laptops. Even if I did settle for you, I would always resent the fact that I’d wasted my 17.3” widescreen LED and AMD A4-3300M 1.9GHz dual-core processor on someone like you. And frankly, I feel like even if you got your hands on a Radeon 6480G graphics card, you wouldn’t know what to do with it. It would be cruel of me to taunt you that way, like handing a Stradivarius to an orangutan. You understand, right?

“Sure. Sure, yeah. Looks like our time is about up anyway. Oh, uh, did I mention my extensive collection of custom Skyrim mods?”

Hmmm… OK, give me your number. Maybe I’ll give you a call sometime.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year HP

Condition: New

Features:

• Powered by an AMD A4-3300M 1.9GHz dual-core processor, the HP G7-1261NR Notebook PC helps you get the job done
• Stunning 17.3” diagonal HD+ BrightView LED widescreen display (1600 x 900)
• 6GB DDR3 memory (expandable to 8GB) for multi-tasking power
• Blu-ray SuperMulti drive – watch Blu-ray movies on your computer; read and write CDs and DVDs in multiple formats
• Windows 7 Home Premium simplifies everyday tasks with an improved taskbar, desktop enhancements, better device management and full-screen previews
• Connect to a broadband modem or router with wired Ethernet, or wirelessly connect to a Wi-Fi signal or hotspot with the built in 802.11b/g/n wireless connection

Additional Photos:

• Top Profile
• Left Profile
• Right Profile
• Front Profile
• Keyboard & Touchpad
• Package Contents

In the box:

• HP Pavilion G7-1261NR Dual-Core Notebook with 17.3” HD+ BrightView LED Display
• 6-Cell Lithium-Ion Battery
• AC Adapter

Dream Big

The only limit is your imagination … and maybe your Internet connection.

Doctor, I’m really worried about my husband. I think he has rickets. We never go anywhere anymore because he’s afraid he’ll miss something good on TV, so he hasn’t seen the sun for 10 years. Last week, I tried to draw the curtains so I could open the window to let in some fresh air. He HISSED at me. What would you suggest?

No, I don’t think a divorce is the answer. I was thinking something more like vitamin D supplements, or a specialized diet of milkshakes and salmon. Scurvy? Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t be any better. I’m just at the end of my rope here, so I’m grasping at straws.

You know, I did hear about that Sling Media Slingbox Pro-HD. I hear you can connect it to up to three devices like your DVR, cable box and DVD player and then watch from anywhere on your PC or Mac. Maybe that way I can finally get him to take me on that trip to Branson. What do you think?

No, I don’t think he needs a shrink. He just needs a way to watch his favorite shows in stunning HD over the Internet. I really think the Sling Media Slingbox Pro-HD might be the solution! That way, he can just take his laptop to dinner with us at Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede. Oooh! And maybe we can even dress up and get one of those old timey tin-type photos at Silver Dollar City. Yeah, I guess maybe the computer would ruin it.

That’s it! I’m going to get him one. Thanks, Doc! By this time next week, I’ll be engaged in the fine craft of whittling while enjoying a delicious stick of rock candy. And he’ll be right by my side, viewing his TV schedule with an on-screen program guide and pausing, changing channels, and fast-forwarding and rewinding with a virtual remote control. You hear that, Momma?! Sometimes dreams really DO come true!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Sling Media

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Connect up to three home theater sources, such as your digital video recorder (DVR), digital cable set-top box and DVD player/recorder
• Take complete control of your home theater via the web with the comprehensive and easy-to-use on-screen remote control and program guide
• Watch your favorite shows in stunning HD over the internet on your PC or Mac laptop or desktop computer—from anywhere
• Control your digital cable box, satellite receiver, DVR or DVD player. Access music channels or video-on-demand
• Full set of pass-through connections. Easily connect to any of the thousands of compatible standard-definition (SD) or HD sources. Component, composite, S-Video and ATSC connectors
• Adaptive video technology. Ensures the clearest picture possible at any given location
• With SlingPlayer software (download sold separately) watch and control your TV and all of its programming on your compatible tablet or smartphone
• Uses an App on tablets and smartphones, uses standard browsers on computer, even watch on Facebook

Additional Photos:

• Ports
• Package Contents

In the box:

• Sling Media SB300-100 Slingbox PRO-HD
• Ethernet Cable
• Coaxial Cable
• Composite A/V Cable
• Component Video Cable
• S-Video Cable
• Stereo Audio Cable
• Remote Control IR Cable
• AC Adapter
• User Guide
• Quick Start Guide

Ghost Trix is another one of those movin’ stuff around games that looks easy but then turns terribly hard.

When you start, you’ll have to solve an easy puzzle. If you can’t get this first one, just sit quietly and wait for the Soylent Green truck to come and pick you up. But if you can, great! That’s basically what you’ll be doing for the rest of the game!

Of course they won’t all be as easy as that first one. And there is a puzzle component to the game. Like if you let a falling ghost touch one of those thin South Park people, the person turns into slime and you lose the level. Also sometimes you’ll get a puzzle like this:

and you’ll have to take a break for a few hours to stop swearing. But if you like solving things, and moving ghosts around, then Ghost Trix is a challenge for YOU! And remember to post your score in the comments, as the highest post by Monday will be our Quality Post Winner!

The Computer For The Cool Kids

I do most of my reading in line at this place called Burrito Camión, so I love my HP TouchPad 32GB Wi-Fi Tablet.

Yeah, that’s right, a taco truck with Wi-Fi! The first day it pulled up outside my hip, newly gentrified apartment it was like I had died and gone to Heaven. But naturally, in a cutting-edge youth-oriented neighborhood like mine, Burrito Camión was crowded from day one. At first I figured “Hey, no problem! I’ll just read a few articles on my laptop as I wait!” Only… well, I guess if you’ve ever tried to carry a heavy laptop, a double guac burrito, a soda, a cup of salsa verde, some refried beans and a surprise bag of complimentary chips to thank you for being one of the first one hundred customers, you know that something’s gonna give. And, sadly, that something was my burrito. I was in tears, man. Tears.

But now, it’s been two weeks. And I’ve got an HP TouchPad 32GB Wi-Fi Tablet instead of a laptop. It lets me surf the net, send email, watch movies, and pretty much anything my laptop could do, all on the 9.7 inch screen. Except now I’m holding something that’s much easier to hold in one hand, and that gives me 50% more burrito space in Hand B.

It does kinda hurt that the guy who runs the truck has started calling me “Uncle Burrito Drop” but he gave me an extra scoop of guac so I guess he was just kidding. Maybe I’ll use my HP TouchPad 32GB Wi-Fi Tablet to friend him on Facebook and we can be Internet BFFs. Can you imagine? Being friends with a guy who runs a taco truck? It’s like the modern-day equivalent of hanging out with The Beatles!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day HP

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Front and center is the 9.7-inch diagonal, LED-backlit, glossy multitouch display with IPS wide viewing-angle technology
• With HP webOS you can search the web while writing email. Reply to a notification while scrolling through a playlist. Or update your Facebook® status just by starting to type. It’s so intuitive, you just think about what you want to do, not how you have to do it
• Immerse yourself in entertainment and gaming action. Transfer your favorite songs from your personal collection and take them to go. And listen to your music with amazing sound quality thanks to Beats Audio™
• Have a face-to-face conversation with video calling on a large, vibrant screen, using the integrated webcam and digital microphone
• Next level multitasking – Get a simple, natural way to move from one thing to the next. Have related activities automatically grouped together
• HP Synergy – Get contacts, calendars, messages, photos, and email automatically synced from sources like Facebook, Google, and Microsoft Exchange
• Download movies and TV shows, play games, listen to music, read books and magazines, and view photos
• Receive a snapshot of new messages, e-mail and events without being totally disrupted. Act on what’s important—ignore what’s not

Additional Photos:

• Power & Volume Control
• Speakers & microUSB Port
• Back
• Package Contents

In the box:

• HP TouchPad 32GB Wi-Fi Tablet
• HP TouchPad AC Charger
• microUSB Sync Cable
• Getting Started Guide
• Navigation Guide

Have you ever invited people to a ski resort and had everyone show up with ping pong paddles? And you were like, “Guys, what the heck? I said we were skiing!”? And your friends were all like, “We thought ping pong was the same as skiing”? And then there was nothing they could do but try to tape the paddles to their feet and ski down the mountain that way? Except you didn’t want to ski anymore because you didn’t want to be seen with a bunch of paddle-footed novices?

Well, I have. Metaphorically speaking.

You see, last week , I put out a research survey for The Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership. The prompt was: “The best way to achieve your dreams and build a better future for you and your family is…” Well, much to my surprise, the most popular answer wasn’t “to study business at a prestigious, cutting-edge university.” Instead, you guys thought it would serve your future better to “trip and fall into a bunch of nettles.”

Well, you’re wrong. And here’s 3 reasons why:

1. It’s hard to hang nettles on the wall in your office: So, maybe you’re proud of your nettles. Fine. But how are you going to show them off? After all, they’re really hard to hang, since very few companies make nettle-shaped frames. Really, your best bet is to just hold them up and hammer a nail right through them, but then you have to wear gloves in order not to get stung. With a degree from a cutting-edge university, it’s much easier. First off, there are all sorts of frames that it’ll fit into, and you don’t need to wear gloves to hang it up, unless you’re allergic… TO SUCCESS!

2. Tripping and falling into nettles shows a lack of commitment: It can take years to finish a business degree program. Tripping and falling into a bunch of nettles, on the other hand, takes between 10 seconds and 5 minutes (and even then, it only takes 5 minutes in extreme cases, like if you’re tripping and skydiving into a bunch of nettles). Sure, the accelerated nature of the falling-into-nettles path makes it more convenient than the traditional degree, but here’s the thing: the world of business isn’t always convenient. In fact, taking the easier path shows that you lack patience and commitment, which can be a big turn off to potential investors and business partners.

3. If nettles were good for business, there’d be more alpaca CEOs: Read through the list of the 100 highest-paid CEOs in America, and you’ll be able to count the number of alpacas on one hand. Even if that hand doesn’t have any fingers. And isn’t a hand at all. And is really just a sort-of invisible, appendage-free blob thing. What I’m getting at is, there are none. So what does this have to do with nettles? Well, alpacas eat them. Willingly. I rest my case.

Go ahead and try to argue with this flawless logic in the comments section! I dare you!

Just one more job.

He was a retired assassin, living the good life and watching TV…

“Shade.”

“Colonel Starbreak. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here looking for a man of your…talents.”

“I’m retired from the Special Forces, Colonel. And from the life of a black market assassin.”

“Well, I can- Holy crap, you weren’t kidding about being retired. Jeez, you’ve really let yourself go.”

“What do you want? I’m retired. I took my severance and bought this refurbished RCA 32” 720p LCD/DVD Combo HDTV. And I’ve been burying my shame and dulling my pain with it ever since”

“That’s all your severance bought? We really have to take better care of our veterans.”

“So what’s the gig? Need a warlord assassinated? Daughter of a politician need rescuing? Want me to infiltrate some underground crime ring?”

“Uh, actually nothing. I think someone else will be more qualified.”

“Nonsense! Look, I might be above my fighting weight, but I’m still the best damn operative you ever had. I’m the only one with the skills and the knowledge-”

“And the chins.”

“Don’t do that. I’m a highly trained killing machine.”

“Do your legs even work any more?”

“Only one way to find out, I guess. You gonna tell me what the job is?”

“No, I think I’m good. Say, isn’t Band of Brothers on? Don’t wanna miss that, right?”

“Good point. Leave the dossier on my mini fridge, Colonel. I’ll get started with the op asap.”

“Uh, right. See you later then.”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• RCA 31.5” viewable LCD HDTV features a crisp 1366 x 768 resolution and serves multi-purposes with features for video games, PC monitor and HDTV
• Allows you to enjoy your favorite DVDs without the need to purchase a separate DVD player. A single remote control controls all functions of the TV and the built-in DVD player
• HDMI combines uncompressed digital audio and video signals into a single cable for high-definition sources. Various types of inputs of the TV allow you easy connection to your devices such as a PC or a video game console
• With a 3000:1 contrast ratio, the TV produces darker blacks, brighter whites and more vivid colors
• Enjoy vivid pictures from virtually anywhere in the room
• Fast response time of 6.5ms generates clear motion scenes
• RCA LCD TVs comply with RoHS requirements

Additional Photos:

• Built-in DVD Player & Controls
• Ports
• Remote Control
• Package Contents

In the box:

• RCA 32LA30RQD 32” 720p LCD HDTV with Built-in DVD Player
• Remote Control
• Stand

photo credit: grafixer

Just one more job.

He was a retired assassin, living the good life and watching TV…

“Shade.”

“Colonel Starbreak. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here looking for a man of your…talents.”

“I’m retired from the Special Forces, Colonel. And from the life of a black market assassin.”

“Well, I can- Holy crap, you weren’t kidding about being retired. Jeez, you’ve really let yourself go.”

“What do you want? I’m retired. I took my severance and bought this refurbished RCA 32” 720p LCD/DVD Combo HDTV. And I’ve been burying my shame and dulling my pain with it ever since”

“That’s all your severance bought? We really have to take better care of our veterans.”

“So what’s the gig? Need a warlord assassinated? Daughter of a politician need rescuing? Want me to infiltrate some underground crime ring?”

“Uh, actually nothing. I think someone else will be more qualified.”

“Nonsense! Look, I might be above my fighting weight, but I’m still the best damn operative you ever had. I’m the only one with the skills and the knowledge-”

“And the chins.”

“Don’t do that. I’m a highly trained killing machine.”

“Do your legs even work any more?”

“Only one way to find out, I guess. You gonna tell me what the job is?”

“No, I think I’m good. Say, isn’t Band of Brothers on? Don’t wanna miss that, right?”

“Good point. Leave the dossier on my mini fridge, Colonel. I’ll get started with the op asap.”

“Uh, right. See you later then.”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• RCA 31.5” viewable LCD HDTV features a crisp 1366 x 768 resolution and serves multi-purposes with features for video games, PC monitor and HDTV
• Allows you to enjoy your favorite DVDs without the need to purchase a separate DVD player. A single remote control controls all functions of the TV and the built-in DVD player
• HDMI combines uncompressed digital audio and video signals into a single cable for high-definition sources. Various types of inputs of the TV allow you easy connection to your devices such as a PC or a video game console
• With a 3000:1 contrast ratio, the TV produces darker blacks, brighter whites and more vivid colors
• Enjoy vivid pictures from virtually anywhere in the room
• Fast response time of 6.5ms generates clear motion scenes
• RCA LCD TVs comply with RoHS requirements

Additional Photos:

• Built-in DVD Player & Controls
• Ports
• Remote Control
• Package Contents

In the box:

• RCA 32LA30RQD 32” 720p LCD HDTV with Built-in DVD Player
• Remote Control
• Stand

photo credit: grafixer

Plenty of people want washboard abs, but not everyone wants to do the crunches required to trim the flab. Enter the Ab Circle Pro, a fast and easy way to give your body the sexy V shape you’ve always wanted. Made with gym-quality steel built to last a lifetime, the Ab Circle Pro gets you off the ground and targets your entire core, from one side to the other and from front to back. As you pivot your lower body on the Ab Circle Pro’s unique friction-free track, you’ll boost your cardio rate while also challenging your upper, middle, and lower abs at the same time. The exercise even targets your obliques in the same simple, fun, fat-burning motion. It’s like a treadmill for your abs, but much more efficient.

The Ab Circle Pro offers three resistance levels, making it appropriate for both beginners and more advanced users. In addition, it takes only a few minutes per day to get a complete ab workout, as three minutes on the device is the equivalent of more than 100 sit-ups. And not only does the Ab Circle Pro help you lose your love handles, but it also helps trim and tone your buns, hips, and thighs. The Ab Circle Pro – which folds up for easy storage under the bed or in the closet – comes with a 3-Minute Express Workout DVD and a Lose Your Love Handles nutritional guide.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SANDWICH, England (UPI) — Residents of Sandwich, England, are celebrating the 250th anniversary of the invention of the sandwich, first ordered by the fourth earl of Sandwich.

1762 marked the year John Montagu first ordered the dish that would be named after his peerage, which thankfully saved the world from having to fill their mouths with the far less appetizing “hot open-faced john.”

NEW DELHI (UPI) — India’s Supreme Court has ordered a halt to a government plan to reintroduce the cheetah, wiped out in India by hunting nearly a century ago.

The court says that spending money on the big cat would send a mixed message to young people taking their final exams, a group that must learn early how cheetahs never prosper.

LONDON (UPI) — Conservationists say they hope to reverse the decline of one of Britain’s most threatened birds, the turtle dove, and save the species from possible extinction.

Sources say the first step is to stop people from giving away two of them every Christmas.

OXFORD, Conn. (UPI) — A Connecticut company has created an action figure based on Patricia Krentcil, the woman accused of allowing her 6-year-old to join her in a tanning bed.

And the world said “Oh.” as one.

BURBANK, Ill. (UPI) — A woman in suburban Chicago was found stabbed to death in her bathtub, in the gown she wore at her wedding, officials said.

Police say they’ll begin the search by questioning anyone suspected of writing an ironic ’50s novelty song.

Bathroom from ellenm1 and Two Turtle Doves from Rockinfree are used under a Creative Commons License

It’s fair to say people are more enlightened about species conservation today than back when we intentionally hunted “nuisance” animals into extinction. And there have been some restoration success stories. But in some places, things are actually getting worse. Climate change, habitat destruction, and poaching continue to threaten species around the world, from whales to polar bears. Just last year, the Eastern Lynx and Western Black Rhinoceros were declared extinct. Can you name these eight species that today we can only see through paintings, photos, and stuffed specimens?

Answers are here. Please post your guesses, speculations, or arguments below! But know this: the Trivial Eye is presented for public amusement and no prizes are offered other than that familiar feeling of aggravation that so much of your mind is occupied by useless trivia.