Gone Treasure Hunting

And we’re back! The United States of Songs continues barreling through the alphabet of states to find the perfect song to describe each. I know I go through it pretty much every time I write one of these, but people seem to forget that the rules specify the song title has to have the state name, and the song must be about the entire state. Which means songs like the great country march “Let ‘Er Go,” while great recommendations, just don’t apply to today’s state:

The state: North Dakota
The song: “North Dakota” by Chris Knight

Hoo boy, it’s tough to find a good tune about North Dakota. That’s not to say it’s a particularly BAD song; it’s not. But it’s really stretching my “song about the state” rule to the breaking point, I know. And honestly, I probably would’ve gone with the current state song, “North Dakota Hymn,” had I been able to find a version of it online that isn’t absolute crap.

It’s particularly tough to find a good song for North Dakota because the whole state’s a mystery to me. I’ve never been there, and all I know is the winters are cold and there’s currently a modern day gold rush going on in the oil fields; they can’t find enough bodies to fill the jobs up there. Apparently. Like I said, it’s never really been on my radar. So at least this tune covers the cold winter part.

The entire state has roughly a third the population the Seattle metro area does, so it sounds like the kind of place where you could carve out your own little kingdom on a piece of land and not have too many people bother you. I could get behind that, if it weren’t for the whole, y’know, desolation thing. The problem with the lonesome prairie is there aren’t a lot of opportunities for sarcastic internet copywriters. I think, though, that the general vibe of this song captures what I think the vibe would be in North Dakota.

North Dakota, I did the best I could. Hopefully a few of you guys can show up and suggest some other options I may have missed!

Runner-Up: ”North Dakota“ by Lyle Lovett
Most Laughable Suggestion: This monstrosity.

What do you think? Got a better pick for North Dakota? Want to make a suggestion for next week’s state, Ohio? Let us know in the comments!

Flickr photo Brocket, North Dakota by Andrew Filer used under a Creative Commons License.

Compatible with the iPad 2 this Bluetooth Keyboard and Case uses Bluetooth 2.0 to wirelessly connect to the iPad. A lithium-ion rechargeable battery provides power so that you can take the keyboard on the go and offers up to 90 hours of battery life and 110 days of standby time. Operating at 2.4GHz the keyboard boasts an operating distance of up to 30 feet.

Sensitive silicone keys are perfect for typing and multimedia shortcut keys are included. The ultra-slim and professional case will protect your iPad while you’re out and about and a built-in stand positions your iPad 2 at an optimal level.

Your grandfather, a well-known collector of antiquities, has passed away. You’re here to explore his study. That’s what you know going into Musaic Box, sort of a puzzle-based version of Name That Tune.

In your grandfather’s mansion are a series of rooms, each cluttered with all sorts of crap you’ll have to move around in order to find bits of sheet music. That sheet music will assemble to create a puzzle and solving all the puzzles will… yeah, it DOES sound like Myst. Additionally, fans of old Roberta Williams games will “fondly” remember the experience of the pixel hunt, trying to find what to do and where to click to get each piece of the parchment. But don’t worry, it’s not as bad as one of her puzzles. These make logical sense.

Once you find the sheet music you can jump to your book, where the song puzzles are waiting. Every puzzle you solve brings you a step closer to the next room, or to finding an amulet, or to opening that mysterious box once and for all. Some song puzzles even require you to finish other songpuzzles first. Isn’t this game fiendish?

But that’s not even the end of the instructions! When you click on a song on the book, you’ll see a pile of tiles and a board. Using both music and geometry, you’ll have to assemble the puzzle correctly so the little robot men can play it like a piano roll of old. It’s hard to fully describe in a paragraph but it’ll be obvious once you start to play. Most of the songs are familiar, so don’t be afraid to listen to what you’ve created. Sometimes it’s very easy to hear when a note’s out of place.

Get the song right and the full band will play you a reward. Then you’re back to the rooms, trying and find the next sheet of the puzzle. Can you make it all the way through every level of your grandfather’s house? Can you clear every room and hear every song? Will you become the new master of the Musaic Box? Bonus points if you can finish the entire game with your sound off. We’ll call that “Hardcore” mode.

People think that only spies get to have missions, but that’s not true! Anyone can have a mission; it’s just that the ones that spies do are kept secret. That’s why, if you’re not a spy and you want a mission, you just need to announce it. For example, if I want to fill up this mug on my desk with coffee, I can go on a coffee-filling mission, as long as I say, “Hey guys! My mission is to get coffee!” If I don’t tell anyone, that means the mission is now secret, which then makes me a spy, and so I’m likely to get shot or strangled by an enemy spy on my way to the break room.

 
But people who aren’t spies aren’t the only ones who need to announce their missions. Businesses do too, in the form of a “Mission Statement.” This might seem simple; you might think you can just write, “Our mission is to get you to pay us for the thing we do” and be done with it. But there’s more to it than that. You’ve got to word your mission statement in a way that leads your customers to believe that you’re intelligent and honest, which is really hard, especially if you’re an idiot who likes to make stuff up.

Not sure where to start? No biggie! We, the faculty of the Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership, have got you covered. Here are a few essential dos and don’ts for writing your business’s mission statement:
 
Do discuss your commitment to excellence!
 
Don’t mention that you’re afraid of commitment, and so you might just leave excellence high and dry one of these days to go shack up with for that hussy mediocre, because you’re tired of being tied down!
 
Do ensure customer satisfaction!
 
Don’t make the asterisk next to “customer satisfaction” too big. (Likewise with the font-size for the footnote where you explain that by “customer” you mean “clouds” and by “satisfaction” you mean “happen sometimes.”)

Do talk about how you strive to be the undisputed global leader in your field!
 
Don’t include a scanned picture of your butt with the caption, “this is what the competition sees.” That might be considered tasteless, unless you’re in the butt industry.
 
Do promise to exceed your customer’s expectations!
 
Don’t let customers who expect quality and consistency see this part of the mission statement.
 
Do preach integrity and innovation!
 
Don’t then distribute your mission statement on a disposable floppy disk. That kind of undermines the whole thing.
 

Now, using what you’ve learned here, please write a mission statement for your business or for The Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership and post it in the comments section below.

A stunning 17 inch LED backlit widescreen display features an HD+ resolution of 1600×900 pixels on the Toshiba Satellite Laptop. Using an Intel 2nd generation core i7 processor the Satellite P775 Laptop boasts a 2.2GHz processor with 3.1GHz max turbo speed and dual-core / multi-core technology. WiFi equipped the Satellite Laptop can connect to wireless hotspots and boasts a webcam and microphone for video chatting.

The 750 GB hard has plenty of room for data files and with 6GB of SDRAM you’ll have plenty of memory for running programs. Blu-ray compatible the DVD±RW drive can be Blu-ray discs and with Harman/Kardon stereo speakers you’ll experience high-quality audio. An HDMI and VGA port offer easy connections for displaying movies and  video files on a television or computer screen. Running on Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium, the Toshiba Satellite is energy star qualified and uses a 6-cell lithium-ion battery.

Just Ignore Them, They’ll Slowly Go Away

Hey, Internet citizens. Grab a camera. We’re at the point where we just gotta make our own content.

We don’t want to point fingers here, but someone who rhymes with “Smallywood” keeps coming in and getting all up in our business. Like, ALLL up in our business. But you know what? There was a time when “Smallywood” wasn’t all that either. When they were just a couple people who were unemployed and had time to kill. And you know what started it all? Somebody decided to pick up a camera.

So maybe you should think about this JVC Everio HD Camcorder with 40x Optical Zoom. Maybe, instead of writing that effect-heavy screenplay that will make you about twenty bucks after all the lawyers get their cut, you could make a small film about the human condition and save it via the SDXC slot. Sure, it probably WILL go unnoticed, but how many famous first films can you name? Everybody’s gotta start somewhere, after all.

In a few months, you’ll have mastered the 40x optical zoom and the proper way to light for the Konica Minolta HD Lens. You’ll be taking advantage of the Advanced Image Stabilizer and making the up-converted 1920x1080p output look great. You’ll have made some contacts and the copyleft types will be starting to notice you. Your name will be spoken about in hushed whispers behind closed doors. Maybe you’ll even be invited to present your short film in an art gallery.

Then you’ll have a resume AND a JVC Everio HD Camcorder with 40x Optical Zoom! And you know what that means, right? It means the big boys are going to show up. They’ll offer you all kinds of cash to take the rights to your movies and guess what you’ll do? You’ll throw it back in their faces! Because who needs lots of money when there’s world changin’ to be done! Yes, sir, with a JVC Everio HD Camcorder with 40x Optical Zoom you can focus on the art instead of that once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a famous industry insider.

Because let’s face it, as it stands now they’re about six months away from releasing “Lolcatz: The Motion Picture” anyway. You might as well get there first.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day JVC

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• Wherever you point the camcorder, it instantaneously analyzes faces, brightness, color and distance, to automatically select the best settings for the scene
• 2.7” LCD, Konica Minolta HD Lens, 40x optical zoom, Advanced Image Stabilizer, up-convert for 1920x1080p output, and Intelligent AUTO for best picture quality, whatever the scene
• SDXC card slot and high-quality HD video ideal for Web sharing on YouTube™ and Facebook
• Advanced Image Stabilizer (A.I.S.) expands the effective area at wide angle to deliver powerful compensation for camera shake
• Time-Lapse REC records one frame at a time at set intervals (1sec – 80sec) so you can watch movement that’s hours long in just a few seconds when played back
• When a subject enters the camcorder’s detecting area and the luminance changes, recording starts automatically and automatically stops after 5 seconds of no movement
• Easy Archiving & Sharing with Everio MediaBrowser 3
• The newly designed 2-Way Grip Belt works as a standard grip belt or a convenient wrist strap. You can choose which way to best match your shooting style or carrying preference

Additional Photos:

• Blue
• Black
• Silver
• Red
• Adjustable LCD Screen
• Controls & Inputs
• SDXC Slot
• Charging Port
• Package Contents
• Packaging

In the box:

• JVC GZ-HM30 Everio Camcorder (Choose: Blue, Black, Silver or Red)
• Li-Ion Battery Pack
• USB Cable
• AV Cable
• AC Adapter
• 2-Way Grip Belt
• Everio MediaBrowser 3 Bundled Software
• User’s Manual
• Warranty Card

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

BOGOTA (Reuters) – Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos said on Monday the country’s largest rebel group was increasingly selling its cattle to finance South America’s longest-running insurgency as income from trafficking cocaine drops.

Dealers are adapting to the change by giving away free hamburgers, then seeing who comes back.

SEATTLE (UPI) — Coffee retailer Starbucks said it would begin serving beer and wine at outlets in Atlanta, Chicago and Southern California.

Fans are already camping out so they can be the first to enjoy a skinny mocha PBR.

BOSTON (UPI) — Seven people accused of practicing as psychics without the proper documentation have been summoned to appear before the Boston Licensing Board, officials said.

The Licensing Board refused to release a date and time for the meeting, saying that if the psychics are in fact qualified, they’ll just show up.

RIVIERA BEACH, Fla. (UPI) — Authorities in Florida said a man accused of attacking his girlfriend was concerned she was trying to “cast a spell on him.”

Shortly thereafter the police department was raided and seized at a request from EMI Publishing, who claimed that sharing the statement infringed on Screamin’ Jay Hawkins copyright.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) — British recording star Seal says he intends to remain dignified and civil during his divorce from fashion supermodel Heidi Klum, his wife of six years.

Headline writers around the world are already lamenting Seal’s reluctance to get a little crazy.

This router will significantly boost the speed and performance of your wireless network. Featuring the new 802.11n, or Wireless-N, standard, it offers range and performance that is superior to previous generation 802.11g routers. And because it’s backwards compatible with Wireless-G standards, you can continue using your existing Wireless-G devices.

Setting up and connecting couldn’t be easier. The Smart Wizard installation CD vastly simplifies the initial set-up process by automatically detecting and configuring your router for virtually all ISP connections. To add a new computer to your network, simply push a button on the router, and the router connects securely and automatically (requires the use of compatible Netgear wireless adapters). The days of having to remember complicated security keys and passwords are over.

Come on in, dude. I’ve made some changes.

I’ve made it my personal mission to be the most organized drug dealer in town.

“Ha ha, funny, dude. You got the stuff.”

“I’ve got all the stuff you need. You want your usual?”

“Please and thank you.”

“No prob, let me print you up a receipt.”

“Ha ha- What?”

“I’m serious, man. I’m going legit. I even picked up a refurbished NeatDesk Desktop Scanner and Digital Filing System. Gotta have my paperwork in order when I file my first tax return!”

“Tax return?”

“Yep. I can turn all my paper into digital files to keep the clutter down. It even creates exports for QuickBooks, TurboTax, and Outlook to make filing easy. Here’s your bill of sale. Just sign the invoice and I’ll take cash or credit card.”

“Uh, I’m starting to re-think how I spend my disposable income.”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Neat Company

Condition: Refurbished

Features:

• NeatDesk is a high-speed desktop scanner and digital filing system that will quickly turn all the paper on your desk into organized, digital files
• More than just a great scanner, NeatDesk also includes patented NeatWorks® software to identify and extract key information from your paper files, then automatically organizes it in the easy to use database
• NeatDesk can actually recognize and activate the information you care about so you can edit, add notes, run reports, and more
• Award-winning ADF (Automatic Document Feeder) scanner, its patented input tray lets you scan receipts, business cards, and documents, all in a single batch
• The patented paper input tray lets you scan different kinds of paper – from the smallest taxi receipt to 2-sided legal documents – all in a single pass. Or insert up to 50 pages at once for lightning-fast batch scanning
• NeatWorks uses patented “Intelligent Text Recognition” technology to identify and capture key information from scanned documents, then populates that data automatically in the robust digital filing system
• Create exports for tax time and year-round financial management, or export data to applications like QuickBooks®,TurboTax®, and Outlook®
• All scanned documents are completely keyword searchable, so you’ll find your files in just a few seconds – instead of a few hours
• Scan in receipts to:
  – Save digital copies of receipts and records of vendors, dates and totals
  – Create expense reports and manage business and personal expenses
  – Keep track of expenses for tax time (records accepted by the IRS)
  – Export data to Excel®, Quicken®, QuickBooks®, TurboTax®
• Scan in business cards to:
  – Keep digital images of cards and contact information
  – Capture name, address company, title, etc.
  – Create your own searchable contact database
  – Export data to Outlook® and more
• Scan in documents to:
  – Create editable PDF files
  – Organize and store in your digital filing system
• Store—Organize—Secure: NeatDesk declutters your workspace, providing a central “inbox” for all your papers, ready to scan when you are
• One Hardware-Software Solution: This scanner works seamlessly with one easy-to-install, intuitive software application to manage all your receipts, business cards, and documents
• All-In-One Scanning: With the removable paper tray and dual-sided scanning, you can scan up to 15 receipts, 15 business cards, and 15 documents at once—or even a single, 50 page document
• Dimensions: 10.75″ (L) x 7.5″ (W) x 7.5″ (H)

 
In the box:

• Neat Company NeatDesk ADF Scanner and Digital Filing System (Choose: Windows or Mac)
• NeatWorks Installation CD
• AC Power Adapter
• USB Cable
• Quick Start Guide

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Fork vs. Prolonged Eye Contact in terms of Soup

Here is a common misperception: soup must be eaten. Not true at all. Soup can just be. Sure, it only realizes its full potential when eaten, but not with a fork. Eating soup with a fork, while possible, calls for a dip-and-suck technique, in which any pleasure derived from the consumption is offset by the embarrassment of putting a thinly-coated fork into your mouth and removing it clean. And if you ask me, I’d rather be the guy staring intently at a bowl of soup than the guy sucking on a fork.

Advantage:

Prolonged Eye Contact

2. A Fortune Cookie vs. A Super Computer in terms of A Spouse

In a marriage, you need support. Life is full of tough questions, and your spouse is there to help you find the answers. Well, both a super computer and a fortune cookie can provide answers; it just depends on what kinds of questions you’re asking. A super computer can help you figure out, “Who was that guy in that band that one time?” But when it comes to the really tough questions, the type of questions you need a partner to help you work through – like, “What do I do next?” or “What are my lucky numbers?” – well, that’s all fortune cookie.

Advantage:

A Fortune Cookie

3. A Migraine vs. Being Tall in terms of How to Spend a Weekend

This one really comes down to one thing: are you already tall to begin with? If you are, you’ll want to go with the migraine because at least it will be a change of pace (unless, you’re some weirdo who’s both tall and suffering from a never-ending migraine, in which case, get away from here in case it’s contagious). On the other hand if you’re somewhere in the mid-to-low 5 foot range height-wise, then being tall for the weekend will be awesome! It’s a whole different world up there! A world of reach-able top shelves and uncomfortable car seats!

Advantage:

It’s a toss up

The honor of rebuttal of the week for last week’s argument, a blender vs. the keys to your house in terms of smoothie-making capabilities, goes to user pmillsrulz who raises the following important question:

“Do said keys have one of those dangly lanyard thingies? Because I’ll take points off this advantage if, while making my smoothie, I have to hold it away from the banana or mango so I don’t get goop on the lanyard itself, which could transfer to my pants thereby creating a stain or making them itchy.”

Jealous of pmillsrulz’s [really tiny modicum of] fame? Then post a rebuttal to one of today’s arguments below, and then come back next week to see if it’s been chosen!

Photos:“Eye” by flickr user, wetwebwork; “Fortune Cookies” by flickr user, maza34; “Uncertainty” by flickr user, nicubunu.photo. All used under a Creative Commons License.