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Goal Zero Portable Power Essentials Kit

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Dear The Sun,

You’re terrible.

You think you’re powerful and special just because you’re a colossal mass of nuclear fusion and plasma. Who gives a hairy turd, The Sun? What have you done for me lately? “Oooo all these named celestial bodies orbit me.” You know what? I got a free sandwich today. We’re all making our way in the world.

Do you have any idea how bad you make me feel sometimes? The blinding brightness with which you assail my eye sockets every time I am suffering from the “adult flu,” which is very often because I have poor coping skills. Do you know how much I hate seeing you in the mornings? You’re always there, like a spouse I never wanted.

People laud you for the heat you create. They’re wrong. Your heat is dumb. It causes premature aging and excessive sweating. Nobody seems to remember that part. They don’t remember the searing misery you cause every summer. I had to drive wearing oven mitts because of you. I bet you think that’s hilarious. I bet you’ll laugh even harder when you become a red giant and kill us all. HAHA THE SUN. GREAT TROLLIN’ THERE.

Whatever. At least I can exploit you to power my phone. Joke’s on you, The Sun. I’ve been using YOU this whole time.

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